不要走

 Mother's longing tears.

My late mother lost her ability to speak after a stroke and was paralyzed on one side of her body. Every morning at seven o'clock,  my sister Fui Jin and I would go to see her and took care of her daily needs: bathing, changing clothes, and so on. Whenever I was about to leave, she would hold my hand very tightly, her eyes telling me that she wanted me to stay a little longer.
I would tell her that I had to go to work, and only then would she slowly let go of my hand.
Every time she held my hand, a question arises in my mind. I did not know whether to embrace her love with the left or right half of my heart. The left half was a radiant, sunny smile, while the right half was a scene of hardship and sorrow. No matter which side I embraced, the two could never truly coexist. My helplessness only allowed her to leave behind a few remnants of love.
Was it only after understanding that I  could then realize the wounds in my heart, a broken heart devoid of tenderness?
Was it after loving that I could then realize what pain was, and how to heal from the wounds of being helplessness?.
I asked tomorrow , how far away would this pain last?
Shortly before my mother passed away, a large bird flew into the house. It flew around the house aimlessly. My eldest sister tried to shoo it away, but it would not leave. When I went over, it was still there. Finally, I said, "Brother, is that you? If so, please leave. Mom needed to sleep now." A few minutes later, it flew away through the front door. I did not know why I said that; maybe my sister thought it was my late brother visiting Mom. Let us consider it's a relief for mum, no longer needed to suffer anymore.
我已故的母親中風後喪失了說話能力，並且一側肢體癱瘓。每天早上七點，我 和惠英都會去看她，照顧她的起居：洗澡、換衣服等等。每當我要離開時，她都會緊緊抓住我的手，她的眼神告訴我，她想我再待一會兒 。她內心在告訴我：你能不能讓我开口对你说？请你不要走.
我告訴她我得去上班了，她這才慢慢放開手。
每次她握住我的手，一個問題便湧上心頭。我不知該如何用我心的左半邊，還是右半邊，去擁抱她的愛。左半邊是個陽光般燦爛的笑臉，右半邊卻是滄桑滄桑的景象。無論我擁抱哪一邊，左右終究無法相容。我的無力感，只允許她留下些  殘存的愛意。
是否只有在理解之後，我才能意識到自己心中的傷痛，一顆破碎不堪、毫無溫柔的心靈？
是否只有在愛過之後，我才能明白什麼是痛苦，以及如何治癒無助帶來的創傷？
我問自己，明天，這痛苦究竟會持續多久？
就在我母親過世前不久，一隻大鳥飛進了房子。它在屋裡到處亂飛。我大姐想把它趕走，但它卻賴著不走。我走過去的時候，它還在那裡。最後我開口說：「哥哥，是你嗎？如果是的話，請你離開，媽媽現在需要睡覺了。」幾分鐘後，它從前門飛走了。我不知道自己為什麼會說出那樣的話，也許是姊姊說它是 已故的哥哥來看望媽媽吧。
不要走. 對母親來說,  就当是解脱了不必再受煎熬.